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It always surprises me how much passion I continue to have for Hanson and how much they continue to be just so awesome and amazing and validate that passion. I just went to their two shows in Chicago and it was so much fun. This tour is so special anyway and just going was a reward. Since I don't even have any vacation time at my job I was just so happy to be able to see them at all. Plus I got to see Cass, Pat and Suzy again. We haven't seen Pat and Suzy in awhile and hanging out with them all day is just so great. We always talk of course during the months that we don't see each other and all that but it's just so awesome how quickly we go back to being so comfortable around each other and just laugh all the time. That's the best part: They make me laugh so much and Cass and it's just so much fun.

One thing I decided when I was seeing these shows was that I'm going to seriously make an effort to lose weight. I've been playing around with that idea for the past year or so and I've decided it's time to really do it. Back in 2010 I lost a bunch of weight- probably around 50 pounds though I'm not sure how much because I didn't know how much I weighed at the beginning. I know exactly what I need to do to have it happen again- work out regularly and start eating healthier, but now I've decided to not let myself go back to eating like crap.

First off, it's expensive. Going out for fast food or delivery food is too expensive to keep up regularly. Every once in a while having pizza or something like that isn't bad, but I've been buying it way too much. I could be saving that money in my savings account and using it to build up towards another cruise or hanson trip next year or something instead of wasting it away on food that I don't even finish a lot of the time. The main moment where I decided to do this was at the second hanson show. We stand about 5-6 hours by the time the show is over usually. An hourish in there before an opening act comes out and then another half hour and then Hansons show which is about 2 hours long. I'm old now so the last couples times we've gone I've gotten charlie horses in my calfs from standing, hahaha. But I mean my feet always hurt. For me its always my heels that get sore the most for whatever reason. For Cassie it's usually her legs. But this time it was ridiculous. The second show was just an amazing show especially at the end and the last half hour I couldn't even enjoy it like I usually do because my heels hurt so much and I just wanted it to end. That is not acceptable. I'm tired of going to their shows and feeling like that. I'm tired of looking at pictures of myself and not liking them because I've let myself get too fat. So now I've set a goal with myself. In 2010 Hanson announced a 5 of 5 event which was them playing every CD in its entireity all week long and the last show being them playing their newest CD for the first time. They announced it in December of 2009 and that was when I decided to get serious about losing weight the last time. This time I'm doing it again due to being inspired by them. Every May they do a MOE. Cass and I should be able to go to that next year hopefully so I'm setting that as a goal for myself to be in much better shape by May.

It's one of those things where I know I can do it. Last time I cut way down on soda and ate healthier. Last time I worked out at a gym everyday and I can't really do that this time just because of my work schedule. Back then I worked 2nd shift essentially so I could wake up in the morning and go work out, shower then go to work at 1-2pm. Now I work 9-5 so that won't work the same unless I get up at 5:30am and I don't see that happening hahaha. But as long as I work out about 3 days a week I should be alright and start losing weight. The stupid thing is, I know as soon as I start I'll want to keep going. When I work out, the feeling afterwards of accomplishing something that's hard is such a good feeling and I always want to go do it again. I know if I start and stick with it, I'll be able to do it. I want to be able to go to a hanson show and run up the stairs to get a spot in line and not be out of breath. I just want to be healthy. I want to be able to at least attempt to find clothes at normal stores even if they don't really have what I want. Right now that's not even an option at all. I just need to make myself do this. I know i can. 


WEll here I am writing this from my own apartment which I must say is quite lovely. I don't have a couch but I'll be getting one soon from Jan at work and then I'll be all good. I am really enjoying having my own place with my cats and just relaxing after work. Things have been SO CRAZY lately and this weekend I plan on not doing a whole helluva lot. A little cleaning, some laundry but not much more than that. Right after my last entry I got the job! For Attorney Gary Greenberg. He's so nice its kind of freaks me out. Then two weeks after that, Cassie and Joey moved out. Then I moved out 2 weeks later, then three days after that we left for our cruise. Oh my mom moved the day after I moved in too. Then we saw T Swift in Chicago the weekend after the cruise was done, then we went to Waupaca with my adorable Uncle Jimmy and last weekend I saw Brett and Liz for the first time in over a month.

That was tiring, dang. WHich is why I'm looking forward to relaxing this weekend FINNNNNNALLLLLYYYYY.  One thing that happened as of late was that Liz lost her job.  She told me last time I saw her that her company was laying off a bunch of people but so far nothing had happened to her and if it did she would deal with it then. Well then a little over a week ago I'm at work and I see a text from her asking me to tell her if I know of any admin jobs. So now she's been going on interviews and is going to move out here to Milwaukee which I find very exciting!!! It makes sense for her since there's more jobs and she doesn't drive so since she can bus it or use Uber or Lyft or whatever too. She hasn't gotten one yet but I spend at least part of my free time looking up jobs and sending them to her now, haha. Once she finds a job she'll move in with me in my vacant living room til she gets her own place. It shouldn't take very long to find one, just a matter of having a job before getting one.

Honestly though I feel like the longer I'm gone from RM, the more I see how bad of a place that is to work. It's pretty shocking thinking about and remembering how sad and overstressed and anxious and scared I was all the time there. Like today I told Gary that Barb, who was the one I replaced, called. He didn't know why and then remembered that apparently she has a habit of embezzling money and she was sentenced today so we looked it up on CCAP and all that. He called her and I went back to my office and he came in after to tell me how nice and normal and everything I was and how nice that was after having Barb for 7 years with those problems.  Just in general there. This week he was a bit on edge more because he had been gone for 2 weeks on vacation in Italy so he was catching up. He'd be a bit yelly and such but there would always be moments at the end of the day or partway through where'd he'd just kinda laugh  and make jokes and stuff. Even on the worst days there, there's no comparison. At all.

and then today!! So I finished corrections on a demand letter for him and was getting it together. It was a bigger one so it took awhile to get done and the printer decided to hate me so it took about a half hour past 5 to get it finished. I'll be honest, staying past 5 isn't a big deal for me anymore. I did it literally everyday at RM but this job, he doesn't expect you to. He does but he'll be like "go home!" to me because i usually get there about a half hour before he and Jan do. Anyway as we're leaving he goes, here have fun this weekend and gives me a $50! WHAT!! I just stared at the money and then him thinking it was a joke for awhile. People don't do that! Bosses don't do that. It was really nice of him and it just....wow. I just can't believe I was at RM for that long being that unhappy. I guess its one of those things where you don't know how unhappy you truly are until you leave. EVeryday I would wake up at like 6am and just dread going to work. I would get there early to try to ready myself for the day. As soon as Israel came in, I would just feel this overwhelming stress the rest of the day. Every time he moved or answered the phone or something wondering if I was gonna get yelled at or someone else. Then at th end of the day I'd sit at home and think abotu all the things that happened that day and when I'm get to bed at like 9pm because I'd be so exhausted from work, I wouldn't be able to sleep because I'd think about all the things I didn't get done and all the things I still needed to do and all the things I could get screamed at for the next day. I never did any during the week after work and now I do. I would even think about it all weekend and dread going in to work on Monday. I could never get away from it no matter where I went.

The great thing though is the group of friends I have from being there. Casey is basically like another best friend at this point. I can talk to her about whatever and it's really nice to make another close friend like that does the work I do so she understands what I mean when I start the legal admin jargon talk haha. But her, Choua, Priscilla and Marisela are all awesome and we're all good friends because of what we went through there. It's the weird thing about that situation that we all really liked working with each other. I still wish I could work with all of them. They all used to make me laugh everyday and I could talk through any work related issue with Casey and vice versa with all of them. But IR and LM ruined that whole experience. But now the best part is that we get to hear about the drama that happens there without being involved and we still get to hang out and be friends and have fun at least once a month and don't have to worry what they think anymore. TOO PERFECT.


Well about 2 weeks after I lost my last entry I was fired by RM. Honestly it may be one of the weirdest firings ever because everyone I told said "I'm so happy for you!" which is usually not the reaction from people hahaha. I was expecting it to happen but I can honestly say that I did not think it would happen how it did.

Last week Wednesday Allison came downstairs and was all WHERE DID CASEY HIDE THINGS?!?!? at her old desk. I told her how nothing is on her desk anymore, its all Ariana's stuff now which she figured out. Turns out a SSD client whose file was never opened by Casey called to say that they had a hearing scheduled.  I found the files and I told her that Casey told me on her last day how she  had never opened the files. She was all OMG you knew?? and ran upstairs. After that I knew they were gonna fire me. I must say that I was shocked and still kinda am and just really disappointed by Allison that she did that. I felt like I could trust her and that she wouldn't go tell Israel and Lyris what I said but obviously that was wrong because she ran upstairs and did exactly that.  One month ago she was coming to our desks all the time practically in tears because of how horrible Lyris was treating her and just 3 weeks of Lyris being nice to her and she totally forgets about all of that and is on their side. It was pretty shocking. When they were firing me part of me wanted to tell them about how she called Cannon to try to get her job back there but I didn't for some reason. I'm not dramatic that way.

I'm not freaking out about it though because I knew it was gonna happen clearly.  I had a job interview scheduled for Thursday which I went to that went really well. They called on Friday and asked me to come back on Monday morning at 9am.  I'm hoping that's gonna be a job offer or something. If it doesn't happen by then, I have another follow up interview at another firm on Tuesday at 3pm. If I don't get that first job, I'll tell the apartment people that I can't take the apartment and I'll move in with my mom until I find a job. I already filed for unemployment so that's set up.

But regardless of all that, I just can't help but feel so relieved that I never have to go back there. I never have to worry about all the work I have on all of my files and what Israel and Lyris are gonna yell at me about next. I never have to listen to Israel say the word protocols EVER. AGAIN. and that is SO AWESOME I DON"T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I already feel like this big weight has been lifted off on me and I Know whatever job I find after this I'll be able to handle after handling that place. 


Part of me doesn't really know why I still have this journal. The people I used to talk to on here have all moved on to the Tumblr but I still like the idea of being able to write in here every once in a while and being able to go back and look years down the line and remember where I was at this point in my life.

A couple months ago I turned 30 and turning that age had always been something that kind of scared me a little.  It seems like a big milestone always to hit and that my life should be more together by this point.  I feel like to a certain extent it is.  I have my best friends in Brett and Liz and Cassie of course. I have some friends in Milwaukee that I've made through my new job to hang out with as well. I have Pat and Suzy and all of our Hanson shenanigans with Cassie too. I feel more set in my life that I did even a year ago. I'm about to move into my own place for the first time ever and not live with Cassie for the first time in six years. I'll definitely miss living with her. There were days I would come home from work and be in such an angry or sad mood and she would start talking to me about something or other and would make me laugh. Granted before we lived together we would talk all the time. We used to always have a text conversation open about whatever and that'll stay that way I'm sure.  It'll be weird not living with her or anyone else at all but I'm okay with it. I like being alone. I need the time to myself to unwind everyday anyway. I dont have any furniture lol but I'll slowly work on that.

The main thing in my life right now that's taking pretty much all of my focus is finding a new job.  Le sigh.  I started working at Ramon & Medrano literally a year ago and it seemed like a good fit. I was brought on as a legal assistant to help the head paralegal which is what I wanted. They primarily do worker's comp and I wanted to learn slowly over the next couple years all aspects of it so when I moved into a paralegal position one day I would have a firm grasp of what worker's comp was and what that entailed.  But that didn't happen. After being there about a month Michelle, the head paralegal, quit. Then they fired the medical records clerk for some reason. So it was just me and Marisela, the receptionist, for about two months.  So I suddenly was in charge of literally every single file in the office and had no workers comp experience. You can imagine how well that went. and in the year since i've seen a lot of people leave. After Michelle, Casey and Kelly were hired. Kelly lasted a month because she used the internet too much and was fired. Then they hired Mike as a law clerk. Then Choua. Choua was fired after two months and right at the same time Mike just went on vacation and never came back. Then Priscilla quit. Then I wanted to die. LOL.

The only reason I stayed there is because I'm stupid and optimistic. I've always been like that. I'm not sure if its a good or bad character trait.  But I guess part of it is just human nature. You never think that your bosses will always be yelling at people and making the work environment so toxic. I mean when every single employee they've had all have the same issues you'd think they'd realize its not just us, its them too. But they don't. It's mind boggling.  I reached my breaking point of just being done and searching like crazy for a job about a month ago when Israel yelled at me for an hour and a half. He called me stupid a lot. He said even my college professors were stupid because they taught me. He threatened to fire me about 57 times during that conversation. Casey stayed after to talk to me when I was crying and just angry and hurt and mostly just really angry. She got another job and tomorrow I have to go to work without her.

The only reason that work there has been manageable the last 6-8 months has been because I've been working with her. I almost got another job 3 weeks ago and she said the same thing to me- that she can't even imagine coming to work there everyday if I wasn't there to help. Our desks were right next to each other and we became a team. She always had my back and I always had hers.  We would go on breaks together and I could tell her whatever I wanted about work and stuff and I could trust she wouldn't say anything to anyone else. When IR was being a giant asshole I would tell her about it and she would make me laugh again and take me out of my bad mood. Now I don't have that and it's gonna suck til I find another job. Which hopefully will be soon. At least I've a bunch of friends from working there. 


Nothing like not writing in this thing for a little over a year.

WELL. This year has sucked a lot but also ended up not quite as bad as it could have been. But it's definitely gonna go down as one of the hardest years I've had in a long time.

It all started in April. My mom called me one night right around this time to tell me that she had heard my dad fall and had found him not responding at all, called 911 and was being rushed to the hospital. At first they thought it may be a bleeding ulcer and he passed out from loss of blood. They did that test and it came back normal so then they did a colonoscopy and it ended up being colon cancer. They found a tumor in my dads colon that he needed surgery to get rid of. Which they did. Took out part of his bowel during it.

The part of this that was kind of good but also really depressing was that we were able to get him into a nursing home type place. My mom had been trying to get him in one for the better part of the year before this happened. He has some kind of dementia or alzheimers which does run in his family and my mom needed help. All she did was go to work and come home and take care of him which was not fair to her at all and my dad needed to be somewhere where professionals could take care of him. He finally got in there after a couple months of a lot of back and forth. The hospital just wanted him out of the hospital so they kept sending him to places that weren't right for him which of course didn't work out and just got him sent back. They treated him like shit for the last few weeks he was in there but he seems to be pretty happy at the place he's at now. It just sucks that its an hour and a half away from here. Still really depressing to see him in there though. My mom is always trying to get me to call more and I probably should but it just makes me really sad that he's gonna be there for the rest of his life.

Then at the end of June, my sister and her boyfriend broke up and let me tell you: this is something I NEVER EVER thought would happen. EVER. Like in November last year for his birthday we all went out and my sister and i drunkenly discussed which of my dads asshole relatives we wouldn't invite to their wedding and about what I would say during my maid of honor speech.

The horrible thing about it lifewise besides my sister getting her heart ripped out of her chest was that we had just moved into a new place 2 months earlier that was almost 1300 a month. There is absolutely no way my sister and I could ever afford that by ourselves so we ended up moving out and moving into my moms one bedroom apartment where we are right now. It's kind of a mixed blessing. I think being here has helped Cassie a lot dealing with the breakup over the last few months. Her ex started dating some other bitch who is a lot uglier version of Cassie a month after they broke up which makes me want to run him over with my car, but yeah lol we basically sit in the living room and watch TV shows after work together. I think having someone around most of the time definitely is helping.

The other part that is nice too is that we don't have any bills anymore. We're not paying for rent, electric/heat or cable anymore which saves a lot of money. So for example on the hanson trip we just went on we could afford to get a much nicer hotel literally 50 feet away from the venue that we couldn't really do before and could go to Cleveland the next week and not worry about much of a budget. I think my mom really likes having us around more and all that too.

Quite honestly between those two things this year would be a big swirling vortex of depression if it wasn't for Hanson having a new CD and going on tour. It's kind of amazing how much they affect me and Cass still after all these years but they just do. They announced their tour dates back in April so for six months we had those to keep working towards and to focus on. Honestly my Pick N Save job is completely unbearable now. The manager is an idiot, the morning people do whatever the hell they want and blame everything on us, I'll be working there 1-9 for the rest of my life it seems and the only reason I didn't just up and quit there earlier was because I wanted the extra money for tour. Now that finished one week ago I'm having a really hard time spending all weekend every weekend there wasting my life. But before the Hanson stuff happened, I could deal.

But they have been a stellar distraction. Plus with them comes hanging out with Pat and Suzy, our Hanson best friends and basically just life best friends as well. We're hoping to be able to meet up in Chicago in January sometime and hang out. Not seeing them again until May is just not something I am okay with, or Cass.

Plus during all of this I have anxiety over my job situations. I am so sick of going to Pick N Save and wasting my life there. I've tried getting other part time jobs but they usually want someone with an open schedule so they don't hire me. So now that Hanson is done I'm back to looking for a full time job. (didn't really make sense to look when I had off 2 weekends in a row for Hanson tour). Hopefully I find one soon because honestly going there every weekend makes me so depressed. I feel like I've done nothing in my life because I still end up back there being completely miserable. I never get to see my best friends because I have to go to a job I hate and there's not much worse than that. Plus I don't have any benefits. I just want a nice full time job with weekends and holidays off that makes a little bit more than I do now where I can truly start a career. I hope I can finally get that.
I will post that new weirdo photo of Jack without a shirt on.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. It looks better/nicer/prettier to me. Nothing has changed besides having to click on your blog to see your messages and followers but who cares about that? Its not that much effort. I like that you can see the icons of everyone that likes or reblogs your stuff.

May. 17th, 2011

I saw this on tumblr and had to share. I have absolutely no idea what its from but either way its making me laugh


My sister and I leave for NYC today. OMG ITS ACTUALLY HERE WTF AHHHH. Hanson told us about this NYC thing sooo far in advance (5 1/2 months) that it felt like it was never going to get here. It was like this far away thing we could save money and obsess over and now its here! And its really happening! Seeing Hanson six times in six days is amazing enough. Seeing them play literally every.single.song. they've ever released on a CD and  hearing the new CD for the first time ever is amazing enough too. Doing a flashmob with them after seeing them on the Today Show is also pretty amazing. But the fact that we get to spend this whole week in New York City is just...the best thing ever. SOOOO EXCITED!

Today my sister is getting out of school and then we're packing up and going. I think she might have a couple more little things she needs to get done. The plan for today was to check into our hotel in Chicago and find a Giodarno's, this amazing Chicago pizza place. I actually looked it up and there's one by our hotel hahaha. This week is also when we're kinda splurging a bit on food and not eating right. Its a vacation, you know?

But things have been going well in that department. I started at 224 pounds and now i'm 195 pounds. One pound away from losing 30 pounds! That's crazy, isn't it? My sister and I went shopping the other day so that I could actually have pants that fit for the concerts in NYC. Hanson concerts are very interactive. You're clapping and jumping around sometimes for almost an entire song so your pants CANNOT be falling off during, hahaha. So now I have two pairs of pants that actually fit! and we got a new belt so hopefully that'll help last the 9 days we'll be in NYC.
YAY! The song my sister and I have been dying to hear from Hanson that we never thought we'd actually ever get to see is up for song voting on Hansons website for the last show we're going to in Anaheim, California. To say we're excited is a way to put it lightly. HAHA. This was one of the songs that they made when they were still on a record label that wasn't theirs and they made them write/record 80 songs and still told them they sucked. Its soooo good.

So this is segwaying into me asking anyone who reads it to go to Hanson.net and go to Tour/Events and hit their red banner for "Vote for Set List Voting" and vote for Dream Girl under Anaheim, California. Its the first city and the link is here for anyone who would like to help me with my obsession! haha.


when you can't get through it you can listen to it

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